The truth is I haven't accepted it.
The truth is I refuse to.
He can't be gone. Not my dad. We just haven't talked in a few days.
Honestly, I look at his picture a million times a day. Even his memorial pamphlet which sits on my nightstand so he can watch over me with that 1000 watt smile.
I choke.
Stop. It's not real. He's not gone. Move on with your day.
I sometimes even tell myself it's fake. He's coming back.
I can't accept it.
I go on with my day truthfully feigning a smile. I stay busy entertaining my kids and staying around people so I'm not alone with my thoughts. I look like I'm having a great time.
Why not? He's not gone. It' not real.
Truth is I double take every man wearing a Hawaiian shirt. I double take any man with spiked highlights. Any man wearing khaki shorts.
Dad?
No, not this time.
Truth is I feel like I die a little inside every single time I take a picture. My blood stops and my heart literally hurts when I can't send him a picture of his grand daughters. I sent him every picture. At least once a day. He loved getting them and always replied something to let me know how much he loves us.
I don't get that anymore.
Truth is I wish on silly things. He always made fun of me for it. 11:11, eyelashes, etc. Every time I look at the clock and it's 11:11, 1;11, 2;22, sub any time I wish for the only thing I want.
My Daddy back.
Truth is I dream about him. Every night. It's always pretty much the same. In some dreams he's about to die and I'm telling him and trying to bond with him before he goes. Get in all the words and things I never could. In my dreams he never actually dies. This doesn't help. In other dreams he comes back. He always acts totally unfazed, like we're all lunatics for thinking he was gone. I'm usually trying to touch him, but keep getting interrupted. Also not helping.
Truth is it doesn't get easier with time. It gets harder. I only have more things to tell him every day. I called him all day, and he called me. We called each other to tell each other every little thing that happened to us.
He should come back now.
Truth is I get so angry at people not wearing helmets. I've told some. They laugh at me because they think hey're better than that. Who the hell do you think you are? My dad was a far more experienced rider than you. And he was wearing a helmet. He shouldn't be gone. You should.
I don't say that in my out loud voice, but to myself.
I'm angry. They're stupid.
I'm only 24. How could this honestly happen to ME?
How in the world am I supposed to live the rest of my life without my DAD?
I'm so selfish. My siblings are so young. I got so much.
It's still not fair.
I hate it.
It's not real.
Move on.
Truth is I want to self destruct.
I don't want to get out of bed. I have no idea how I can keep feeling like this.
I can't self destruct. I have children. Beautiful little girls he loved more than the world. That love me more than the world. He was so proud of the mother that I am to them. I can't fail at that. I have to keep him proud.
I lose my breath when I think that they wont remember him.
He loved them so much.
I will be a good mom. For him. For me. For them.
I have to be bigger than that.
Truth is I already feel like I'm failing as a mom. I feel like I've gone mute. I can't talk. My kids need me to talk but sometimes it literally hurts. I try to fake it. I put Riley in school because I know she needs more than what I can give.
I have to break my silence for them.
The truth is I've never done this before.
I don't know how to do it right.
I'm just trying to get through each day.
I'm sorry if I'm not doing it to your standards or pleasing you in the process.
I don't cry in public. I hold my head high and smile. I'm not weak.
At least that's what I'll have you believe.
But the truth is,
I'm weak.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
My cheeks hurt from smiling...
If you have not read the blog from earlier today, March 27th, please read that first.
Let me preface this by saying that the previous blog evoked a lot of emotions in me that I have never shared with anyone. I don't mean for this to be a diary of any sort, but I want people to understand how I feel about being a special needs parent. Please turn off your judgemental caps for this and admit that either a) you do not have a special needs child, therefor do not understand the joys and pains that it comes with or b) you do and have probably felt some of the same things. If you are a special needs parent and haven't felt any of these things, you're either a far better person than I, or haven't admitted it yet.
Here goes...
For those of you that don't know, my husband and I had an unexpected pregnancy only 6 months after we started dating. Regardless of the ill timing, I was ready to become a mother. Unfortunately the baby quit growing and I lost it around 14 weeks. Almost a year later we got married and I was excited to start a family right away. We decided after getting married in September that we would start trying immediately. Well it seems like I got pregnant the moment I decided I wanted a child and we didn't really even have to try.
I had a wonderful stress free pregnancy with Riley. Although I threw up every single day until the day I delivered, I loved being pregnant, I enjoyed every moment. Riley was due July 21, 2010, but after a jaunt with my relatively new Labrador retriever in the rain on the 4th of July, I went into labor the following morning. I labored for 31 hours and had my beautiful girl at 9:50am on July 6, 2010. When she came out they laid her directly onto my stomach and then took her to clean her up. My husband brought her back to me and I thought she looked a little "funny," but though she just might be puffy from delivery. I whispered to him, "doesn't she look like she has Down Syndrome?" Within minutes it was confirmed that she had an extra strand of DNA (of love) on her 21st chromosome, aka Down Syndrome.
I declined prenatal testing during my pregnancy, because being only 22 at the time I had a 1 in 22,000 chance of having a baby with Down Syndrome. I had heard of people getting false positives and decided that my husband and I were both young and healthy, so I didn't need the stress of wondering. I felt that this was a pretty big choice on my part when I made it and I swear to crackers it crossed my mind, what if my baby did end up having Down Syndrome? I thought to myself, I bet I could change the world for that community. I then shook my head, and went on with my day, because every soft marker on my 20 week ultrasound checked out perfectly fine.
This is where it gets shaky. There are pictures of me immediately after delivery with a shocked and lost look on my face that I have never released to the public because I felt so horrible. When they said, "yes she does have Down Syndrome," I thought to myself, wake up this isn't real. It couldn't be real, because if I really had delivered her, this was final. I couldn't put her back, I couldn't change it, I had a baby with Down Syndrome.
After holding her and seeing her big blue eyes that looked like my husbands and experiencing pregnancy and the labor that brought her here, I really did love her, and knew that I could handle it. She spent two weeks in the NICU struggling to breathe, and then had weekly doctors appointments until her heart surgery at 3 months. By this point I had realized how great she was as a little person and had a pretty good handle on things. This doesn't mean that I didn't have rotten thoughts in the interim. I thought, how could I, of all people have a special needs child? And why, if I had to, couldn't I have a boy with Down Syndrome? I was very headstrong and vain prior to her delivery and saw myself raising a beautiful girl who would later become a cheerleader and as much of a go getter as I am. Well fortunately Riley is a go getter, but I have relieved the stress of having a snotty little tramp of a teenager. ;-)
These thoughts have passed and I love Riley exactly as she is. I would not trade her extra chromosome for the world. I really feel like I was destined to have her. Because she was born 3 weeks early, she actually ended up being born on the due date of the child I lost in my first pregnancy. I have a theory that that child probably stopped developing because he/she had Down Syndrome, a chromosomal defect that does often end in miscarriage. Although I was supposed to have a special child, being unmarried and irresponsible at the time was not the right time for me. I feel like I was much more well equipped to have her at the time that I did, in regards to my own maturity and the maturity of the relationship I have with my now husband.
During my pregnancy, my husband and I took a labor and delivery class with a number of different couples. During one of the classes we were asked to go around the room and state one trait we'd like our child to have from each of us. Some gave sincere answers, some said his butt, her eyes, etc. I really thought about what I wanted my daughter to take from each of us. From my husband, I wanted his empathy and caring for others. Although I am a very loving person, I often see things from too much of a business perspective. He was raised by all women, so is often a better listener than I am, therefore giving him more empathy. From me, I wanted her to inherit the ease in which I learn things. I do well in everything I undertake, and learn how to do new things very well, very quickly. She did get his big blue eyes, and my incredibly flat rear end, but just she also was born with these traits I had wanted so badly for her. She is the most loving and caring little girl, always giving kisses, being gentle and trying to comfort people in distress. She has so much patience and picks new things up so quickly that she blows me and everyone she works with away. She is everything I have ever wanted, I just didn't know it prior to July 6, 2010.
I said earlier that my cheeks hurt today for smiling so much with pride at Adam's Camp. I'm probably just feeling the strain of smiling uncontrollably at/with her for the last 21 months... <3
Let me preface this by saying that the previous blog evoked a lot of emotions in me that I have never shared with anyone. I don't mean for this to be a diary of any sort, but I want people to understand how I feel about being a special needs parent. Please turn off your judgemental caps for this and admit that either a) you do not have a special needs child, therefor do not understand the joys and pains that it comes with or b) you do and have probably felt some of the same things. If you are a special needs parent and haven't felt any of these things, you're either a far better person than I, or haven't admitted it yet.
Here goes...
For those of you that don't know, my husband and I had an unexpected pregnancy only 6 months after we started dating. Regardless of the ill timing, I was ready to become a mother. Unfortunately the baby quit growing and I lost it around 14 weeks. Almost a year later we got married and I was excited to start a family right away. We decided after getting married in September that we would start trying immediately. Well it seems like I got pregnant the moment I decided I wanted a child and we didn't really even have to try.
I had a wonderful stress free pregnancy with Riley. Although I threw up every single day until the day I delivered, I loved being pregnant, I enjoyed every moment. Riley was due July 21, 2010, but after a jaunt with my relatively new Labrador retriever in the rain on the 4th of July, I went into labor the following morning. I labored for 31 hours and had my beautiful girl at 9:50am on July 6, 2010. When she came out they laid her directly onto my stomach and then took her to clean her up. My husband brought her back to me and I thought she looked a little "funny," but though she just might be puffy from delivery. I whispered to him, "doesn't she look like she has Down Syndrome?" Within minutes it was confirmed that she had an extra strand of DNA (of love) on her 21st chromosome, aka Down Syndrome.
I declined prenatal testing during my pregnancy, because being only 22 at the time I had a 1 in 22,000 chance of having a baby with Down Syndrome. I had heard of people getting false positives and decided that my husband and I were both young and healthy, so I didn't need the stress of wondering. I felt that this was a pretty big choice on my part when I made it and I swear to crackers it crossed my mind, what if my baby did end up having Down Syndrome? I thought to myself, I bet I could change the world for that community. I then shook my head, and went on with my day, because every soft marker on my 20 week ultrasound checked out perfectly fine.
This is where it gets shaky. There are pictures of me immediately after delivery with a shocked and lost look on my face that I have never released to the public because I felt so horrible. When they said, "yes she does have Down Syndrome," I thought to myself, wake up this isn't real. It couldn't be real, because if I really had delivered her, this was final. I couldn't put her back, I couldn't change it, I had a baby with Down Syndrome.
After holding her and seeing her big blue eyes that looked like my husbands and experiencing pregnancy and the labor that brought her here, I really did love her, and knew that I could handle it. She spent two weeks in the NICU struggling to breathe, and then had weekly doctors appointments until her heart surgery at 3 months. By this point I had realized how great she was as a little person and had a pretty good handle on things. This doesn't mean that I didn't have rotten thoughts in the interim. I thought, how could I, of all people have a special needs child? And why, if I had to, couldn't I have a boy with Down Syndrome? I was very headstrong and vain prior to her delivery and saw myself raising a beautiful girl who would later become a cheerleader and as much of a go getter as I am. Well fortunately Riley is a go getter, but I have relieved the stress of having a snotty little tramp of a teenager. ;-)
These thoughts have passed and I love Riley exactly as she is. I would not trade her extra chromosome for the world. I really feel like I was destined to have her. Because she was born 3 weeks early, she actually ended up being born on the due date of the child I lost in my first pregnancy. I have a theory that that child probably stopped developing because he/she had Down Syndrome, a chromosomal defect that does often end in miscarriage. Although I was supposed to have a special child, being unmarried and irresponsible at the time was not the right time for me. I feel like I was much more well equipped to have her at the time that I did, in regards to my own maturity and the maturity of the relationship I have with my now husband.
During my pregnancy, my husband and I took a labor and delivery class with a number of different couples. During one of the classes we were asked to go around the room and state one trait we'd like our child to have from each of us. Some gave sincere answers, some said his butt, her eyes, etc. I really thought about what I wanted my daughter to take from each of us. From my husband, I wanted his empathy and caring for others. Although I am a very loving person, I often see things from too much of a business perspective. He was raised by all women, so is often a better listener than I am, therefore giving him more empathy. From me, I wanted her to inherit the ease in which I learn things. I do well in everything I undertake, and learn how to do new things very well, very quickly. She did get his big blue eyes, and my incredibly flat rear end, but just she also was born with these traits I had wanted so badly for her. She is the most loving and caring little girl, always giving kisses, being gentle and trying to comfort people in distress. She has so much patience and picks new things up so quickly that she blows me and everyone she works with away. She is everything I have ever wanted, I just didn't know it prior to July 6, 2010.
I said earlier that my cheeks hurt today for smiling so much with pride at Adam's Camp. I'm probably just feeling the strain of smiling uncontrollably at/with her for the last 21 months... <3
Adam's Camp
Hello my few, yet loyal, readers. My apologies for being such a slacker on updating you on the adventures of Riley and I.
It is Adam's Camp week! As some of you may know, the last time we attended Adam's Camp Riley became horribly ill with a stomach virus the very first day. She was completely uninterested in the entire program, so thanks to the wonderful people behind the program's financing, Riley was granted a second chance at this unique intensive therapy opportunity.
When filling out paperwork for Adam's Camp the parent has to write a little about their child's demeanor, and if you know her or have even seen Riley's pictures, you know that she is a little fireball full of smiles and love. I, being the modestly proud mother that I am, wrote all about Riley in the light that I see her. Unfortunately this was not the light she was shining that week and it broke my heart for them not to see the wonderful little "Riley" that I know she is. This week is a completely different story. She is taking control and showing off all of the wonderful things she can do with a smile on her face that could light a city block.
The camp is Monday through Friday 9-12 in Stapleton. Monday is really the only day parents are allowed to participate. The rest of the week they have speakers for the parent's to a) give us a break and b) encourage as much independence in the children as possible. I don't know if it's because Riley is who she is or because I am who I am, but I am kind of a "clingy" mommy. I like to be by her side cheering her on at all times. So this is as good/difficult for me as it is for her. The nice thing about it is they have two-way mirrors here so I can peek in on her if I have to. I'm trying to keep myself busy in the parent room blogging and practicing my sign language classes and enjoy a few moments of just "being" without a person attached to me. The few times I have gone to peek at her though, she was doing amazing! She is always participating and signing/vocalizing what she is doing, trying her very best to do the things the therapists are helping her with. I am beaming with so much pride, my cheeks hurt from smiling.
It is really nice to be around other special needs families, where everyone really gets everything we deal with on a day to day basis. It also makes me step back and see that Riley is doing very very well for her age and diagnosis. Yes, sometimes it is difficult to deal with never ending therapies and medical issues, but really we have it very easy. I do not want to take this for granted. I am supposed to have her. I am meant to be her "clingy" mother and she was meant to be my beautiful social butterfly of a firecracker daughter. I know this blog is already long, so don't feel like you have to keep reading, but I'm going to keep going...
It is Adam's Camp week! As some of you may know, the last time we attended Adam's Camp Riley became horribly ill with a stomach virus the very first day. She was completely uninterested in the entire program, so thanks to the wonderful people behind the program's financing, Riley was granted a second chance at this unique intensive therapy opportunity.
When filling out paperwork for Adam's Camp the parent has to write a little about their child's demeanor, and if you know her or have even seen Riley's pictures, you know that she is a little fireball full of smiles and love. I, being the modestly proud mother that I am, wrote all about Riley in the light that I see her. Unfortunately this was not the light she was shining that week and it broke my heart for them not to see the wonderful little "Riley" that I know she is. This week is a completely different story. She is taking control and showing off all of the wonderful things she can do with a smile on her face that could light a city block.
The camp is Monday through Friday 9-12 in Stapleton. Monday is really the only day parents are allowed to participate. The rest of the week they have speakers for the parent's to a) give us a break and b) encourage as much independence in the children as possible. I don't know if it's because Riley is who she is or because I am who I am, but I am kind of a "clingy" mommy. I like to be by her side cheering her on at all times. So this is as good/difficult for me as it is for her. The nice thing about it is they have two-way mirrors here so I can peek in on her if I have to. I'm trying to keep myself busy in the parent room blogging and practicing my sign language classes and enjoy a few moments of just "being" without a person attached to me. The few times I have gone to peek at her though, she was doing amazing! She is always participating and signing/vocalizing what she is doing, trying her very best to do the things the therapists are helping her with. I am beaming with so much pride, my cheeks hurt from smiling.
It is really nice to be around other special needs families, where everyone really gets everything we deal with on a day to day basis. It also makes me step back and see that Riley is doing very very well for her age and diagnosis. Yes, sometimes it is difficult to deal with never ending therapies and medical issues, but really we have it very easy. I do not want to take this for granted. I am supposed to have her. I am meant to be her "clingy" mother and she was meant to be my beautiful social butterfly of a firecracker daughter. I know this blog is already long, so don't feel like you have to keep reading, but I'm going to keep going...
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Live and let live
http://www.empowernetwork.com/Caroline/blog/nurse-reveals-the-top-5-regrets-people-make-on-their-deathbed/
^ I read this a couple of weeks ago and it has been on my mind a lot lately. I don't know how much validity it actually has, so take it for what it's worth, but some of the ideas have really been making me think. One of the things most people regret is spending too much time working and not enough time with their family. For those of you who have been to my house, you may think that it is small and even ghetto. Sometimes I agree, but what I care about more is the fact that we live so below our means, giving me the ability to be a stay at home mom no matter what happens to our financial circumstances. I would much rather live with a little less and be able to stay home and enjoy my daughter than have to work my butt off for a house I cant afford if we're not pulling in two large and steady incomes.
It breaks my heart to see my father, nearly 50, working every minute of every day hustling to keep up payments on his beautiful life. I am very proud of him for what he has accomplished and is able to provide for his family, but I wish I could show him this and he would care. My best memories with my father were when I was a child and he lived in a trailer in the mountains and we would watch Disney movies and play games while eating cereal in our underwear. Those were the good times, my warm and fuzzies, and they didn't cost a thing.
The main idea that wont stop repeating in my mind is "I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me." I am what I like to call a "non-confrontational person." This is a loose term to define the fact that I have the inability to say no or disappoint someone. I have so many faces that I put on to please different people in my life. One day I'm going to get too old and too tired to remember which face goes to whom. Don't get me wrong, I have many many interests and care deeply about many things so it's not that I'm lying when you're speaking with College Alyssa, Sales Alyssa or Stay at Home Mom Alyssa. My uncanny ability to be so many different people has really wasted a lot of my time in life trying to pursue degrees or run businesses that I think would please someone else.
Just throwing it out there for anyone who is interested... Yes, I do want a degree, probably either in nursing or physical therapy. Both require a lot of my time though, and being blessed with a very time consuming Riley 18 months ago, I feel like going to school right now isn't doing anyone any good. I'm going to take some years to nourish her and develop my family and then decide where I want to go. I will continue to live below my means, which really doesn't bother me, so that I can enjoy this lifestyle that I want. I will help my husband to grow his business in the meantime so that we have another means of income if the union fails us. Another uncanny ability of mine is pulling money out of my rear end on demand. I haven't let my family starve or the lights go off yet and I know that I never will.
I don't care what other people choose to do with their life. I don't see the point in having strong opinions about other's personal choices. Don't expect me to jump on your "I hate this group of people bandwagon." Live and let live. I really am going to put more effort into exfoliating my many faces down to who I really am and letting those around me get to know that person. I don't have the time or energy to pretend to be who you want me to be. Each year I live goes faster and faster and I refuse to regret on my death bed that I never lived a life for myself.
All of my friends: Live your life for you. I will live mine for me. I will only encourage and support your decisions and never criticize you. I ask that you do the same for me. Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness. Live and let live. <3
^ I read this a couple of weeks ago and it has been on my mind a lot lately. I don't know how much validity it actually has, so take it for what it's worth, but some of the ideas have really been making me think. One of the things most people regret is spending too much time working and not enough time with their family. For those of you who have been to my house, you may think that it is small and even ghetto. Sometimes I agree, but what I care about more is the fact that we live so below our means, giving me the ability to be a stay at home mom no matter what happens to our financial circumstances. I would much rather live with a little less and be able to stay home and enjoy my daughter than have to work my butt off for a house I cant afford if we're not pulling in two large and steady incomes.
It breaks my heart to see my father, nearly 50, working every minute of every day hustling to keep up payments on his beautiful life. I am very proud of him for what he has accomplished and is able to provide for his family, but I wish I could show him this and he would care. My best memories with my father were when I was a child and he lived in a trailer in the mountains and we would watch Disney movies and play games while eating cereal in our underwear. Those were the good times, my warm and fuzzies, and they didn't cost a thing.
The main idea that wont stop repeating in my mind is "I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me." I am what I like to call a "non-confrontational person." This is a loose term to define the fact that I have the inability to say no or disappoint someone. I have so many faces that I put on to please different people in my life. One day I'm going to get too old and too tired to remember which face goes to whom. Don't get me wrong, I have many many interests and care deeply about many things so it's not that I'm lying when you're speaking with College Alyssa, Sales Alyssa or Stay at Home Mom Alyssa. My uncanny ability to be so many different people has really wasted a lot of my time in life trying to pursue degrees or run businesses that I think would please someone else.
Just throwing it out there for anyone who is interested... Yes, I do want a degree, probably either in nursing or physical therapy. Both require a lot of my time though, and being blessed with a very time consuming Riley 18 months ago, I feel like going to school right now isn't doing anyone any good. I'm going to take some years to nourish her and develop my family and then decide where I want to go. I will continue to live below my means, which really doesn't bother me, so that I can enjoy this lifestyle that I want. I will help my husband to grow his business in the meantime so that we have another means of income if the union fails us. Another uncanny ability of mine is pulling money out of my rear end on demand. I haven't let my family starve or the lights go off yet and I know that I never will.
I don't care what other people choose to do with their life. I don't see the point in having strong opinions about other's personal choices. Don't expect me to jump on your "I hate this group of people bandwagon." Live and let live. I really am going to put more effort into exfoliating my many faces down to who I really am and letting those around me get to know that person. I don't have the time or energy to pretend to be who you want me to be. Each year I live goes faster and faster and I refuse to regret on my death bed that I never lived a life for myself.
All of my friends: Live your life for you. I will live mine for me. I will only encourage and support your decisions and never criticize you. I ask that you do the same for me. Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness. Live and let live. <3
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Sick girl...
Just a note to confirm your suspicions...
I am too dang busy to do this every day. I retract any promises ever made to do this daily. Even weekly. I don't even have time to check my email on a daily basis anymore. Facewhat?
Anyway Riley is doing wonderful walking and talking. She makes me so proud I can't even stand it. She will be changing schools in the next week. I was happy at first with my decision to put her where I did, but after seeing what actually happens during the day Ive had a major change of heart. The teachers during the day don't speak English, so my toddler learning to speak is in a strange place hearing strange people say strange words all day long. The director told me that it didn't matter that they no habla English because they are trained not to speak, but let the children speak. Children do not learn language if they do not hear it. Period. End of story. Adios amigos.
I started working for those of you that weren't aware and the time away from her is killing me. She was up all night last night with a horrible chest congested cough. She is sick and tired and clingy today and just needs her mommy. My heart literally feels like its dying being away from her.
That's all for today.
Cheers. <3
I am too dang busy to do this every day. I retract any promises ever made to do this daily. Even weekly. I don't even have time to check my email on a daily basis anymore. Facewhat?
Anyway Riley is doing wonderful walking and talking. She makes me so proud I can't even stand it. She will be changing schools in the next week. I was happy at first with my decision to put her where I did, but after seeing what actually happens during the day Ive had a major change of heart. The teachers during the day don't speak English, so my toddler learning to speak is in a strange place hearing strange people say strange words all day long. The director told me that it didn't matter that they no habla English because they are trained not to speak, but let the children speak. Children do not learn language if they do not hear it. Period. End of story. Adios amigos.
I started working for those of you that weren't aware and the time away from her is killing me. She was up all night last night with a horrible chest congested cough. She is sick and tired and clingy today and just needs her mommy. My heart literally feels like its dying being away from her.
That's all for today.
Cheers. <3
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
January 11 - What's best for Riley
So like I said before Riley hasn't been interested in walking since she took those first steps last Thursday, the 5th. I thought this was supposed to be easy. I thought once she figured out she could do it she would be taking off and running into my arms. You'd think I'd learn by now. Luckily yesterday she kept me from jumping off the cliff of madness by deciding she was ready to give it another go. At first I had to bribe her with toys, milk, snacks, my iphone, etc... And then she realized just how cool it was and was walking about 8 feet at a time to get to anything. Slow and steady, she concentrates so hard on not toppling over. I love it.
She is doing so great. I know that once she does really take off walking she will blossom all around. Being able to get into more things and do more for herself will really help her cognition and language.
She started school yesterday for a 2 hour trial period. I tried to get her into The Rise School, the denver area special needs school that has 50% special needs and 50% typical classrooms to encourage natural development. Unfortunately, is is the only one, so everyone wants their child there and they were too full for the spring session. In a panic, I called every child care facility within 20 miles trying to find a good fit. They were either a) too expensive or b) too limiting. Because she is not walking steadily on her own they all wanted to keep her in the infant room until she could keep up with her toddler peers. I found one, Active Learners Academy that was willing to put her in the toddler room for a reasonable price! I think it's going to be great for her, she isn't going to grow at all watching babies flop around on their tummies. She did so good, she had snacks in a big girl chair and painted me a picture that I will keep forever and ever. <3
So we'll see how it goes, but I think it will be good for her to be around a bunch of typically developing kids. They said that her physical therapist could do a session there so they could learn how to best work with her. It is against everything I want. I want so badly to just stay home with her, but as her mom I have to put my desires aside and do what is best for her and I really think this is it.
She is doing so great. I know that once she does really take off walking she will blossom all around. Being able to get into more things and do more for herself will really help her cognition and language.
She started school yesterday for a 2 hour trial period. I tried to get her into The Rise School, the denver area special needs school that has 50% special needs and 50% typical classrooms to encourage natural development. Unfortunately, is is the only one, so everyone wants their child there and they were too full for the spring session. In a panic, I called every child care facility within 20 miles trying to find a good fit. They were either a) too expensive or b) too limiting. Because she is not walking steadily on her own they all wanted to keep her in the infant room until she could keep up with her toddler peers. I found one, Active Learners Academy that was willing to put her in the toddler room for a reasonable price! I think it's going to be great for her, she isn't going to grow at all watching babies flop around on their tummies. She did so good, she had snacks in a big girl chair and painted me a picture that I will keep forever and ever. <3
So we'll see how it goes, but I think it will be good for her to be around a bunch of typically developing kids. They said that her physical therapist could do a session there so they could learn how to best work with her. It is against everything I want. I want so badly to just stay home with her, but as her mom I have to put my desires aside and do what is best for her and I really think this is it.
Monday, January 9, 2012
January 9 - Walking, Mama and Hi!
Okay, so maybe I should have considered how insanely busy I am before I committed myself to blogging every single day.
And more so, how although I am busy, I am not that interesting. Hard to believe but I really cant come up with something wise and witty to say every single day.
So when I started this blog I thought that I was so excited to post the day she would actually start walking. I imagined myself posting it right away, saying wise and witty things all along. I was thinking how cool it would be if she did it January 6th, her half birthday, but blew it off because that was way too soon. Well much to my surprise she took her beautiful first steps on January 5th.
It was beautiful and she did it about 15 times over. I cried just about every time I saw one foot step in front of the other. She has been standing well and cruising since about 13 months and everyone has been saying "any day now" for the last 5 months. She had the strength. She had the ability. She just lacked the confidence. (with me as her mother, I'm not sure how...) One thing you should know about Riley is that she is an observer. She wants to watch and wait until she is dang certain she can do it on her own before she tries. No matter what I did, I couldn't ensure her that if she just lifted her feet it would all be okay. But on Thursday, January 5th she trusted that she could do it. And it was glorious.
Unfortunately my stubborn little peanut, always seeking the path of least resistance, doesn't really want to do it again. I have been working with her non stop to keep the momentum going, but she is not interested. I even went out and bought the toy Miss Terra (her PT) used to get her to do it. That worked a bit, she did it a few times last night, but has yet to walk consistently. One day at a time though... she'll get it.
She also started saying "mama" this weekend. Those beautiful words that I have been yearning to hear have finally come out of her mouth. She rarely uses them to get my attention, but I'll take it. She has also started saying "Hi!" I love it. Hopefully we will keep building that vocabulary up until she can talk back to me! I saw a little girl fighting her dad trying to put on her coat a couple of months ago saying "no daddy, I can do it myself!" He was getting frustrated, but my heart just ached. I would give anything for her to fight to do it herself. (Note to self: remember this when her stubborn little self does start talking back!)
That's all for today. I promise, I'll try to keep up writing...
And more so, how although I am busy, I am not that interesting. Hard to believe but I really cant come up with something wise and witty to say every single day.
So when I started this blog I thought that I was so excited to post the day she would actually start walking. I imagined myself posting it right away, saying wise and witty things all along. I was thinking how cool it would be if she did it January 6th, her half birthday, but blew it off because that was way too soon. Well much to my surprise she took her beautiful first steps on January 5th.
It was beautiful and she did it about 15 times over. I cried just about every time I saw one foot step in front of the other. She has been standing well and cruising since about 13 months and everyone has been saying "any day now" for the last 5 months. She had the strength. She had the ability. She just lacked the confidence. (with me as her mother, I'm not sure how...) One thing you should know about Riley is that she is an observer. She wants to watch and wait until she is dang certain she can do it on her own before she tries. No matter what I did, I couldn't ensure her that if she just lifted her feet it would all be okay. But on Thursday, January 5th she trusted that she could do it. And it was glorious.
Unfortunately my stubborn little peanut, always seeking the path of least resistance, doesn't really want to do it again. I have been working with her non stop to keep the momentum going, but she is not interested. I even went out and bought the toy Miss Terra (her PT) used to get her to do it. That worked a bit, she did it a few times last night, but has yet to walk consistently. One day at a time though... she'll get it.
She also started saying "mama" this weekend. Those beautiful words that I have been yearning to hear have finally come out of her mouth. She rarely uses them to get my attention, but I'll take it. She has also started saying "Hi!" I love it. Hopefully we will keep building that vocabulary up until she can talk back to me! I saw a little girl fighting her dad trying to put on her coat a couple of months ago saying "no daddy, I can do it myself!" He was getting frustrated, but my heart just ached. I would give anything for her to fight to do it herself. (Note to self: remember this when her stubborn little self does start talking back!)
That's all for today. I promise, I'll try to keep up writing...
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
January 4 - Winning the lottery
It has been claimed that if you focus on anything enough you will get it.
We happened to have a super lucky wonderful day today and everything we have been focusing on wanting lately really has happened, so we figured why not go big and play the lottery tonight...
Swear to goodness every time I think about winning the lottery I get so excited thinking about who I would help with the money. I have a plan for all of the wonderful people in my life that truly care about me. I'm not going to tell you if you're on it or what you'll be getting because it will be much more fun for you to just get a letter in the mail saying your mortgage has been paid, or something along those lines. (Sidenote: I will not be taking new friend applications once I win)
Because I think this way I feel like I really will win the lottery. I have had so many epic things happen to me in my life, why not win the lottery, right? I think so.
Speaking of friends, we also went to Little Monkey Bizness with Kristen & Co. (aka. my friend Kristen and her two beautiful little girls) We had a wonderful time, but I got so caught up in the fun I forgot to take pictures. Good one.
I have some of the best friends I could ever ask for in my life right now. For the first time I feel like I am surrounded by a group of wonderful friends who truly care about me and my family, rather than what I can do for them. You know who you are, and I just want to let you all know you mean the world to me too and I love you. <3
Hopefully you'll be hearing from me tomorrow several million dollars more wealthy than I currently am...
... So I can buy my girl more pasta. I have definitely passed on my curse of loving pasta...
We happened to have a super lucky wonderful day today and everything we have been focusing on wanting lately really has happened, so we figured why not go big and play the lottery tonight...
Swear to goodness every time I think about winning the lottery I get so excited thinking about who I would help with the money. I have a plan for all of the wonderful people in my life that truly care about me. I'm not going to tell you if you're on it or what you'll be getting because it will be much more fun for you to just get a letter in the mail saying your mortgage has been paid, or something along those lines. (Sidenote: I will not be taking new friend applications once I win)
Because I think this way I feel like I really will win the lottery. I have had so many epic things happen to me in my life, why not win the lottery, right? I think so.
Speaking of friends, we also went to Little Monkey Bizness with Kristen & Co. (aka. my friend Kristen and her two beautiful little girls) We had a wonderful time, but I got so caught up in the fun I forgot to take pictures. Good one.
I have some of the best friends I could ever ask for in my life right now. For the first time I feel like I am surrounded by a group of wonderful friends who truly care about me and my family, rather than what I can do for them. You know who you are, and I just want to let you all know you mean the world to me too and I love you. <3
Hopefully you'll be hearing from me tomorrow several million dollars more wealthy than I currently am...
... So I can buy my girl more pasta. I have definitely passed on my curse of loving pasta...
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
January 3rd - More laughing
Today was Riley's 18 month check up. It's always nice to see Dr. Froehlke, not only a wonderful pediatrician, but also a father to a child with Down Syndrome. It's really nice to have her doctor understand her from a day to day perspective, not just a medical milestone viewpoint. It's also nice to hear him tell me over and over, "Oh Mrs. Restivo, you're doing such a wonderful job..." I admit, I'm a big sucker for praise. It's nice to hear every once in awhile from an outside source that I really am not failing miserably.
Anyway, the nurse handed me a potty training guide which apparently we're supposed to start working on right now. Yeah, it's going to be awhile. She also gave me a guideline for normal development for 18 months:
Your toddler should:
Run stiffly (not even walking)
Walk up stairs with one hand held (she can crawl up them?)
Names a few objects (no words yet)
Colors with crayons (eats them)
Makes decisions for herself, such as clothing (claps at me no matter what I choose for her)
Fights to do things for herself (throws her hands up when I try to help her spoon feed herself)
Points to body parts (she actually can do this, but really likes her cheeks) (so do I)
Anyway, at first I wanted to cry because I get so frustrated. I constantly feel like I'm failing her and that no matter what I do it's not enough. Newsflash mama: You're not failing. Her doctor cannot believe how ahead she is for having Down Syndrome. She knows about 30-35 signs, sat right on time, crawled 4 months earlier than the DS scale says, and most kids with DS are barely walking by 2. She is literally days away from doing it on her own. It's not that bad. She's doing great for herself. Remember that. Always remember that she is fighting just as hard as I am to learn all the things I show her. She wants to do them and someday will and this time will seem like a distant memory.
On the (much brighter) bright side she has started laughing a lot. It used to be literally like pulling teeth to get a chuckle out of her. I rarely got to hear that precious angelic sound from my sweet little girl, but in the past couple of days she has turned into a little giggle box. I love it. She laughs all the time at the silliest things and I think that is something worth celebrating.
So I have to make the choice each day to not compare her to other kids, but to cheer her on down her own little path to success.
Keep laughing... It's all going to be okay. <3
Anyway, the nurse handed me a potty training guide which apparently we're supposed to start working on right now. Yeah, it's going to be awhile. She also gave me a guideline for normal development for 18 months:
Your toddler should:
Run stiffly (not even walking)
Walk up stairs with one hand held (she can crawl up them?)
Names a few objects (no words yet)
Colors with crayons (eats them)
Makes decisions for herself, such as clothing (claps at me no matter what I choose for her)
Fights to do things for herself (throws her hands up when I try to help her spoon feed herself)
Points to body parts (she actually can do this, but really likes her cheeks) (so do I)
Anyway, at first I wanted to cry because I get so frustrated. I constantly feel like I'm failing her and that no matter what I do it's not enough. Newsflash mama: You're not failing. Her doctor cannot believe how ahead she is for having Down Syndrome. She knows about 30-35 signs, sat right on time, crawled 4 months earlier than the DS scale says, and most kids with DS are barely walking by 2. She is literally days away from doing it on her own. It's not that bad. She's doing great for herself. Remember that. Always remember that she is fighting just as hard as I am to learn all the things I show her. She wants to do them and someday will and this time will seem like a distant memory.
On the (much brighter) bright side she has started laughing a lot. It used to be literally like pulling teeth to get a chuckle out of her. I rarely got to hear that precious angelic sound from my sweet little girl, but in the past couple of days she has turned into a little giggle box. I love it. She laughs all the time at the silliest things and I think that is something worth celebrating.
So I have to make the choice each day to not compare her to other kids, but to cheer her on down her own little path to success.
Keep laughing... It's all going to be okay. <3
Monday, January 2, 2012
January 2nd - Slowing Down
I didn't really think about making any new years resolutions this year, but one kind of came to me today so I'm going to take it on and I think this project will help. Andrew got a three day weekend for the holiday and the last few times he's had a long weekend it has never felt like it because we are always so busy. We handled all of our "responsibilities" last night so we would be able to enjoy the day. I bought a family pass to the Children's Museum last year that expires next month and he has never been able to come so we made it a priority so he could see how fun it is.
It was so much fun to see them playing in the young child room. She turns into such a daddy's girl on the weekends and it was so fun to see her showing off for him. I just can't believe how fast she has grown. When we first went to the Children's Museum she was only able to lie on the lily pad and watch the mobiles spin. Now, almost a year later she is a mobile little maniac. I just can't believe that I have had her for a year and a half. She will be 18 months on Friday and I have no idea where the time has gone. Only 6 months ago she was turning one, 6 more and she'll be 2. Unbelievable. So my plan is to slow things down and really enjoy this time with her and the wonderful little things.
Sometimes it's hard to go to the museum and watch kids her age talking and walking and playing imaginary games. I feel so awful and guilty when I think like that, but I'm not perfect and I rarely let myself. I have to remind myself that there are times that she will not develop along the same timeline as her peers, but she is doing great for herself. I will continue to applaud each achievement she reaches on her own time, and I feel like the amount of work she has to put in deserves a celebration every time. I'm constantly shoving sign language and occupational and physical skills down her throat, but she has to work 10x harder at everything.I just hoping I'm giving her what she needs.
So tonight I was looking forward to getting her into bed and turning in early to write this and then relax. She woke up from sleeping in the car though and was ready to play. She loves to match my pointer fingers together. When she touches them to my nose I say "Match them together" in a nasally high pitched voice. When she touches them to my cheeks I do it in a very deep voice. She was doing this and laughing hysterically tonight. Rather than sticking to the normal bedtime routine I played her silly little game and just laughed with her and soaked in her beautiful love and laughter much past her bedtime. This is slowing down, and I love it.
I hope you don't get me wrong by saying that on occasion I get sad. Believe me when I say that I LOVE Down Syndrome. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I wouldn't trade her for the world. Her smiles and laughter could make anyone's day and I am beyond blessed to be able to enjoy them daily. <3
It was so much fun to see them playing in the young child room. She turns into such a daddy's girl on the weekends and it was so fun to see her showing off for him. I just can't believe how fast she has grown. When we first went to the Children's Museum she was only able to lie on the lily pad and watch the mobiles spin. Now, almost a year later she is a mobile little maniac. I just can't believe that I have had her for a year and a half. She will be 18 months on Friday and I have no idea where the time has gone. Only 6 months ago she was turning one, 6 more and she'll be 2. Unbelievable. So my plan is to slow things down and really enjoy this time with her and the wonderful little things.
Sometimes it's hard to go to the museum and watch kids her age talking and walking and playing imaginary games. I feel so awful and guilty when I think like that, but I'm not perfect and I rarely let myself. I have to remind myself that there are times that she will not develop along the same timeline as her peers, but she is doing great for herself. I will continue to applaud each achievement she reaches on her own time, and I feel like the amount of work she has to put in deserves a celebration every time. I'm constantly shoving sign language and occupational and physical skills down her throat, but she has to work 10x harder at everything.I just hoping I'm giving her what she needs.
So tonight I was looking forward to getting her into bed and turning in early to write this and then relax. She woke up from sleeping in the car though and was ready to play. She loves to match my pointer fingers together. When she touches them to my nose I say "Match them together" in a nasally high pitched voice. When she touches them to my cheeks I do it in a very deep voice. She was doing this and laughing hysterically tonight. Rather than sticking to the normal bedtime routine I played her silly little game and just laughed with her and soaked in her beautiful love and laughter much past her bedtime. This is slowing down, and I love it.
I hope you don't get me wrong by saying that on occasion I get sad. Believe me when I say that I LOVE Down Syndrome. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I wouldn't trade her for the world. Her smiles and laughter could make anyone's day and I am beyond blessed to be able to enjoy them daily. <3
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