My cheeks hurt from smiling...

If you have not read the blog from earlier today, March 27th, please read that first.

Let me preface this by saying that the previous blog evoked a lot of emotions in me that I have never shared with anyone. I don't mean for this to be a diary of any sort, but I want people to understand how I feel about being a special needs parent. Please turn off your judgemental caps for this and admit that either a) you do not have a special needs child, therefor do not understand the joys and pains that it comes with or b) you do and have probably felt some of the same things. If you are a special needs parent and haven't felt any of these things, you're either a far better person than I, or haven't admitted it yet.

Here goes...


For those of you that don't know, my husband and I had an unexpected pregnancy only 6 months after we started dating. Regardless of the ill timing, I was ready to become a mother. Unfortunately the baby quit growing and I lost it around 14 weeks. Almost a year later we got married and I was excited to start a family right away. We decided after getting married in September that we would start trying immediately. Well it seems like I got pregnant the moment I decided I wanted a child and we didn't really even have to try.

I had a wonderful stress free pregnancy with Riley. Although I threw up every single day until the day I delivered, I loved being pregnant, I enjoyed every moment. Riley was due July 21, 2010, but after a jaunt with my relatively new Labrador retriever in the rain on the 4th of July, I went into labor the following morning. I labored for 31 hours and had my beautiful girl at 9:50am on July 6, 2010. When she came out they laid her directly onto my stomach and then took her to clean her up. My husband brought her back to me and I thought she looked a little "funny," but though she just might be puffy from delivery. I whispered to him, "doesn't she look like she has Down Syndrome?" Within minutes it was confirmed that she had an extra strand of DNA (of love) on her 21st chromosome, aka Down Syndrome.

I declined prenatal testing during my pregnancy, because being only 22 at the time I had a 1 in 22,000 chance of having a baby with Down Syndrome. I had heard of people getting false positives and decided that my husband and I were both young and healthy, so I didn't need the stress of wondering. I felt that this was a pretty big choice on my part when I made it and I swear to crackers it crossed my mind, what if my baby did end up having Down Syndrome? I thought to myself, I bet I could change the world for that community. I then shook my head, and went on with my day, because every soft marker on my 20 week ultrasound checked out perfectly fine.

This is where it gets shaky. There are pictures of me immediately after delivery with a shocked and lost look on my face that I have never released to the public because I felt so horrible. When they said, "yes she does have Down Syndrome," I thought to myself, wake up this isn't real. It couldn't be real, because if I really had delivered her, this was final. I couldn't put her back, I couldn't change it, I had a baby with Down Syndrome.

After holding her and seeing her big blue eyes that looked like my husbands and experiencing pregnancy and the labor that brought her here, I really did love her, and knew that I could handle it. She spent two weeks in the NICU struggling to breathe, and then had weekly doctors appointments until her heart surgery at 3 months. By this point I had realized how great she was as a little person and had a pretty good handle on things. This doesn't mean that I didn't have rotten thoughts in the interim. I thought, how could I, of all people have a special needs child? And why, if I had to, couldn't I have a boy with Down Syndrome? I was very headstrong and vain prior to her delivery and saw myself raising a beautiful girl who would later become a cheerleader and as much of a go getter as I am. Well fortunately Riley is a go getter, but I have relieved the stress of having a snotty little tramp of a teenager. ;-)

These thoughts have passed and I love Riley exactly as she is. I would not trade her extra chromosome for the world. I really feel like I was destined to have her. Because she was born 3 weeks early, she actually ended up being born on the due date of the child I lost in my first pregnancy. I have a theory that that child probably stopped developing because he/she had Down Syndrome, a chromosomal defect that does often end in miscarriage. Although I was supposed to have a special child, being unmarried and irresponsible at the time was not the right time for me. I feel like I was much more well equipped to have her at the time that I did, in regards to my own maturity and the maturity of the relationship I have with my now husband.

During my pregnancy, my husband and I took a labor and delivery class with a number of different couples. During one of the classes we were asked to go around the room and state one trait we'd like our child to have from each of us. Some gave sincere answers, some said his butt, her eyes, etc. I really thought about what I wanted my daughter to take from each of us. From my husband, I wanted his empathy and caring for others. Although I am a very loving person, I often see things from too much of a business perspective. He was raised by all women, so is often a better listener than I am, therefore giving him more empathy. From me, I wanted her to inherit the ease in which I learn things. I do well in everything I undertake, and learn how to do new things very well, very quickly. She did get his big blue eyes, and my incredibly flat rear end, but just she also was born with these traits I had wanted so badly for her. She is the most loving and caring little girl, always giving kisses, being gentle and trying to comfort people in distress. She has so much patience and picks new things up so quickly that she blows me and everyone she works with away. She is everything I have ever wanted, I just didn't know it prior to July 6, 2010.

I said earlier that my cheeks hurt today for smiling so much with pride at Adam's Camp. I'm probably just feeling the strain of smiling uncontrollably at/with her for the last 21 months... <3